It’s been a year since the school shooting in Santa Fe and a year since our son died. I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m still grieving. I don’t cry myself to sleep very often anymore, but there is supposed to be a good life after tragedy and I’m not living it. I am having trouble seeing it. I guess I’m having trouble because I can’t seem to see beyond myself and my grief.
It’s sad, it will always be sad. I have been depressed before, but I guess I have never been this depressed before. And yet I don’t think I need to see a doctor or a psychiatrist. I don’t think a pill or a conversation will fix what is wrong with me. I think I’m not getting better because I am focused on me.
I removed myself from a lot of my responsibilities after it happened. It seemed like I just couldn’t deal with anything more than his death and all the details that went with it. And everyone said that was the right thing to do. Now I just don’t have much to do or much to occupy my mind with. I spend most of my time avoiding my life by reading or watching TV, and the rest of it focused on my grief. I think I’ve created a big fat rut, not a life.
I’m not happy.
How can I own a magazine focused on Good News and not be happy? Or, and this is even worse… how can I believe in God and be depressed? Here’s the problem with religion – it implies that if you believe God is real – you can’t be unhappy or depressed. I’m here to tell you that’s so wrong!
I believe everything God has said and I know He is very real and I’m sad. I also own a magazine focused on the Good News, which means gospel (for those that are not aware of it) and I’m not happy 24/7. This is no different than being poor, sick or in a war zone and being a Christian. It’s not only possible for Christians to be unhappy – it’s perfectly normal for everyone during hard times. Christians suffer, just like anyone else.
We have this notion that if you have God or money or especially if you have both – you don’t have bad days, weeks or years. That is simply not true. This is what real faith is to me…the belief that there is a God, He loves us and we can be hopeful, but we can’t escape the hard things that happen in life. “He’s not our personal get out of jail free card.”
I will press on just like everyone else, I just wanted to share my journey with you, even this unpleasant part.
I don’t believe we have to look like we have it all together all the time. I don’t know who started that, but it’s just lying. No one has it all together all the time that I know of. You can’t, you’d have to be perfect and we aren’t. Just writing this article has changed my perspective because it has reminded me I don’t have to be perfect. It’s ok that I’m not ok and that brings me to another article I need to write. Have you read that book, “It’s OK That You’re NOT OK” by Megan Devine?
I’m going to review it this issue because it really helped me understand grief from a whole lot of angles I had never seen before. If you’re stuck in grief, CLICK HERE for some relief, I’m re-reading it.
Losing my son is not the end of the world. We had warnings with him that none of the shooting victims or their parents had. Our kid was sick and had been for a very long time. His future was not bright, he was in a lot of pain. He was almost 40, so we got to have him and share his life with him for a long time. We went places and did things that others will not have the opportunity to do. What I’m trying to say is… others are suffering far worse than we are.
You can always look next door and see that your lot in life is far easier than what others have to endure.
I guess it’s time for me to pick up some new responsibilities and stop avoiding life. God only allowed the Israelites 30 days for Moses, so we probably only get a year for our loved ones.
Please Note: I know I’m not clinically depressed, if you are… please seek some professional help, don’t suffer unnecessarily.
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